What kind of person is this NYDJ-wearing woman? Divorced from some guy who never told her she looked good? Which means she has some serious self-esteem issues in the first place, and by using the present perfect tense she’s suggesting that somehow she is going to go back to this guy. Did I want to be this woman, no matter how good the jeans looked?
I ordered a pair, and apart from the vanity sizing I could find nothing flattering about Not Your Daughter’s Jeans — from the long, abdomen-swelling zipper to the heavy, butt-magnifying fabric.
Cut to me, several weeks later, watching “Tyra” with my infant son, in a fog of motherhood. Tyra suggested that one well-padded audience member try the Hello! Skinny Jean, a marvel of denim engineering and artistic suggestion. I ordered a pair immediately. I instantly loved the picture of the woman who invented them: she looks slightly harried, a little tired, all-knowing and on the verge of a serious eye-roll.
Burned by my last ordeal, I let my Hello! jeans languish until New Year’s Eve when I pulled them on, hoping for a miracle. And a miracle it was: the inseams are sewn forward so that thighs look slimmer, and the jeans are painted in a style one might call trompe l’oeil-anorexia. The fabric is stretchy but substantial enough to keep everything in its place. The most genius touch is that the metal rivet at the waist isn’t a rivet at all, but a kind of toggle, so it doesn’t pinch. These are a pair of Mom jeans anyone can wear.